How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza
What did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad?
Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?
Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.
What is Rich Rodriguez's biggest concern?
Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
What do you call a drug ring in Ann Arbor?
A huddle.
Why can't most of the U of M players get into a huddle on the field?
It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.
How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
Studying their Miranda rights.
What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life?
His freshman year.
What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
Columbus: 187 Miles
What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
Drool.
What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A visitor.
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan Fans?
A Whine Cellar.
What do you get when you breed a ground hog and the University of Michigan?
6 more weeks of bad football.
Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
On the University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would find a football player.
Four Michigan players are in a car, who's driving?
The police.
Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the 'Opossums'?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many batteries does it take to light up Michigan's stadium?
1 AA
What do marijuana and Michigan have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A Lloyd Carr
Why do Wolverine players eat their Wheaties straight from the box?
They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
What do you call a Michigan cheerleader with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise?
How do you get all of the Michigan grads out of your neighborhood?
Hide all of the cardboard boxes.
How do you keep a Michigan player out of the end zone?
Put a classroom there.
An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?
The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Why don't Michigan fans let their kids play in the sand box?
Because the cats keep covering them up
What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
Would you like fries with that?"
What is the difference between a dollar bill and the Michigan Wolverines?
A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.
What are the three hardest years in the life of a Michigan Wolverine fan?
Second Grade.
What does a tornado and a Michigan Grad have in common?
They both end up in trailer parks.
Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?
There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.
Why do women in Michigan wear high heels?
To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground.
What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
The front row at Michigan stadium.
Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Michigan?
It's too hard on the mule.
What do you call a football player in Michigan who has talent?
A product of Ohio.
What do you call a 200 lb. Michigan cheerleader?
Anorexic
Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?
So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
About 50 pounds.
How do you make up the difference?
Force feed the elephant.
How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's a sophomore course
What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
There are some things even pigs won't do.
What is the difference between a Michigan fan and a bucket of s#!%?
The bucket.
What is every Michigan football player assigned upon arriving at Ann Arbor?
A personal bail bondsman?
What is the difference between Michigan and Frosted Flakes?
Frosted Flakes know what to do in a Bowl.
How many Michigan players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he gets three credits for it.
Why did the Michigan Wolverine stop having phone sex?
Because the little holes hurt too much.
How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning?
Take your foot of of their head.
What is long and hard on a Michigan fan?
First Grade.
What is the definition of a wolverine?
A rat with VD.
What is the difference between a dead dog on the freeway and a dead Michigan fan on the freeway?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?
Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.
What is a Michigan football player's favorite pick-up line?
Didn't we almost flunk out together?
How do you make University of Michigan Cookies?
Put them in a big bowl and beat for 3 hours.