Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio:
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
You think professional football teams are supposed to wear orange.
You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
Toward the lake means north and toward the river means south.
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
Vacation! means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: Where's my coat at?
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer , and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
You actually get these jokes.
You know you're from Columbus, Ohio when:
The fact that the German Village Oktoberfest is in September (and not in German Village...) seems perfectly normal.
You beam with pride that we're the hometown of Wendy's, White Castle, Rax Roast Beef, Bob Evans and & Donato's. But you wonder why we're the 8th fattest city in America.
You remember very vividly City Center & Northland.
You know how to pronounce Scioto and Olentangy.
You go to The Memorial Tournament at Muirfield just to see and be seen, and you've been rained on there at least once.
You see nothing unusual about a street being called East North Broadway.
You live in the suburbs but your backyard was actually a cornfield last year. That complex on the corner with the CVS, Blockbuster and Kroger? That was a cornfield last year, too!
As you lament the loss of all those cornfields, you see the infinite wisdom of Dublin City Council, who spent over $60,000 on a field of 10' concrete corn ears.
You know all of the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
You drive 3 hours to see Red White & Boom for 15 minutes...and 4 hours back. But you live 12 minutes away.
You know what a real buckeye is and have a recipe for the candy ones.
You take it for granted that screaming O-H...anytime, anywhere...will get a reply from a stranger saying I-O!
You don't consider it terribly strange that The Dispatch covers national and international news in a page or two...but requires 6 pages for sports (and 3 of those just for the Bucks).
You consider going to the Zoo in winter VERY normal...and we're talking real winter...ice and snow and stuff...not just the month of December. And you stopped noticing Jack Hanna's lisp years ago.
You have a Buckeye necklace.
You think 45 degree weather is justification enough to go through the car wash!
You call it pop. Soda is for weirdos.
You get chills when you hear Carmen Ohio.
You know that Wyandot Lake is NOT a body of water, and Mad River Mountain is not really a mountain.
You say Kroger's...although proper English would be Kroger.
You can see a building downtown...but you can't get there due to 500 million one-way streets!
You consider this weather pretty much normal:
Monday: 30 degrees
Tuesday: 70 degrees
Wednesday: 45 degrees and humid
Thursday: -10 wind chill
Friday: 80 degrees and sunny
Though there's not a snowball's chance...the guys like to pretend that all those Victoria's Secret models actually live here, just because the company's based here.
You take it as a matter of fact that if you don't like the weather today...stick around, it'll change!
One out of every 5 cars has something Buckeye on it.
You remember Flippo and Luci's Toy Shop
Your big Christmas event as a kid was seeing the window decorations and visiting Santa at Downtown Lazarus.
You were surprised that there is ANOTHER Hoover Dam in the country.
You know full well that people drive 10 mph with the first dusting of snow and 65 mph with 2 feet of snow.
You've never even stopped to question the fact that a bunch of businesses close down on every OSU football game day.
You know what The Hospital Curve is.
You think the standard protocol for a tornado warning is...to grab lawn chairs and head for the front porch.
You drive down 670 with your windows open to smell the fresh bread from the Wonder Bread factory and the cinnamon rolls from the Kroger bakery.
You think there's nothing strange about the city of Westerville being Northeast of Columbus.
You're fully confident that the word Columbus should always be followed by Ohio.
A guy in a Ohio bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"
A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. Have you been taking them regularly? the doctor asked. What do you think I've been doing, the grad said, shoving them up my ass?
It was reported that the Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game... the rest of the players will have to dress themselves!
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how.
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?
A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU / Michigan game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands -- he was closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No." Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find a friend or relative to come with you?" The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Michigan football player reported for his university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System: "Yes, your Honor"; "No, your Honor".
I've lived through Woody's on-field tackle
I've lived through Bruce and Cooper
But Tressel's tattoo cover-up
Is yet the biggest blooper
Each morning on the sport's page
I read the latest ban
Is it any wonder I've become
A closet Buckeye fan
But misery does love company
Or so the saying goes
So thank you Moenters
We're here to share our woes
by Lois Hoeffel at the 2011 Football Kick Off Party
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have. He stressed that money was no object. His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So his father went out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month. His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in.
I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it up with water."
A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time.
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, What setting do I use on the washing machine? It depends, she replied. What does it say on the shirt? He yelled back, University of Michigan. Use hot water, a box of Tide and four cups bleach.
It is late in the OSU-Michigan game on an overcast day. Michigan has the ball on the OSU 3, with 2 seconds left, and down 14-10. There is time for one more play. Lloyd Carr calls time-out. As the team is coming to the sideline, Lloyd looks to the heavens and says, "God - I've been a good man, a churchgoing man. I've tried to do what's right and I've never asked you for anything. But, this is a big game and if I could get a little guidance, I would be forever grateful". The clouds part, sun shines on Lloyd and he hears a voice bellow "I Right, 39 Pitch Trap". Lloyd can't believe it! God himself gave him the play! It'll work for sure. The team comes to the sideline and Lloyd excitedly gives them the play.
The time-out ends and the teams come back on the field. Lloyd can barely contain his excitement - he's going to win. Play resumes and the ball is snapped. The Michigan QB pitches to the back. For a split second, there's a hole - which is quickly filled by Laurinaitis, who tackles the Michigan back short of the goal line. Time expires and Ohio State players storm the field to celebrate. Lloyd is in shock - he can't believe the play didn't work. Lloyd looks to the heavens and cries, "God - why did you call THAT play?" God looks down, shrugs, turns to his right and says, "Woody - why did we call that play?"
Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.
The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the US and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by a University of Michigan graduate.", Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. Young Buckeyes' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, he starts writing in his notebook. But I not a Buckeyes' fan the little hero replied.
Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were. What team do you root for? asked the reporter. I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan, the child replied. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: LITTLE REDNECK BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET
A farmer outside of Ann Arbor was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the University of Michigan's fight song Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Ann Arbor. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him.
The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He casually agreed he heard the University of Michigan's fight song but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation Ohio State University graduate, said, "Hell, Bud, I'm a Buckeye and I've been listening to assholes sing that song my whole life."
We Ohio fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious blue and maize "M" on their shirt. We would swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them. One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?" "I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied! the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road.
Suddenly, I saw a "Michigan" fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors, but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan." "That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door." Go Bucks!
The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year… 11 arrests, 0 convictions.
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men aboard wearing Ohio State jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Michigan fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in Ohio State jerseys beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitterness between Ohio State and Michigan fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know much about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?" GO BUCKS !!!
A lady in Ann Arbor calls 911. Hysterically, she says, "Someone's just broken into my house and I think he's going to rob me!" The dispatcher says, "Ma'am, we're really busy at the moment, just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."
A Michigan family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas Shopping. While in a sports store, the son picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become an Ohio State fan and I would like this for Christmas." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him across the head and says, "Go talk with Mom." Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas." The mother is outraged, she too promptly whacks him across the head and says, "Go see your father.
"Off he goes with the Ohio State jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Ohio State fan, and I would like this Ohio State jersey for Christmas." The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son across the head and says," No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"About one half hour later they're all back in the car heading toward home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned something today." The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good, son. What is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Ohio State fan for an hour and I already hate you Michigan Bastards.
Little Rhett was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up---fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Rhett was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Rhett aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said little Rhett, 'He coaches Michigan football, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'
Rumor has it that the 2008 Ohio State / Michigan game might be cancelled as Michigan can't get past Toledo.
George finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, Where did you come from? How did you get here? I rowed over from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.
Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you. Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. But ... but ... that's impossible, stutters George. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage? Oh, no problem, replies the woman.
On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. George is stunned. Let's row over to my place, she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As George looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink? No, no thank you, he says, still dazed. I can't take any more coconut juice. It's not coconut juice, the woman replies. I built a still. How about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.
No longer questioning anything, George goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. WOW! This woman is amazing, he muses, What next? When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know... She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! You mean.... he swallows excitedly, We can watch The Ohio State games from here?
Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani unveiled his latest campaign promise Sunday afternoon. In a surprise move, it had nothing to do with health care, taxes or the Middle East. After months of speculation and rumors, former New York Mayor Giuliani announced early yesterday afternoon to a crowd of Columbia undergraduate students his latest, and perhaps most innovative, presidential promise. We, as candidates, have focused much of our campaign rhetoric on the war in Iraq, the ever growing threat from nations like North Korea and Iran, rising gas prices, and universal health care initiatives.
We constantly talk about our duty to ensure that all Americans in need can receive the things they need most - food, clothing, shelter, and health care. Today I come to you to talk about something the other candidates, both Republican and Democrat alike, have ignored for far too long. That, my friends, is the humiliation and degradation that the University of Michigan has suffered the last few years at the hands of The Ohio State University in college football's greatest rivalry. Under the current administration's watch, the rivalry has been allowed to turn into a laughing stock.
Dating back to the last year of the Clinton administration, Michigan has won just one of the seven games in this series. Such domination sends the wrong message to the youth of this nation. It tells the children of this country that it is alright to grow up and take a back seat like France does. It tells them 'hey, it's okay to be second-best and to be mediocre.' My challenge to you as Americans is to say 'No!' to this ongoing farce of a rivalry. If elected, my first move will be to sign an Executive Order requiring the Buckeyes of The Ohio State University to play their 2009 game against the University of Michigan ten-on-eleven. If Michigan fails to win, Ohio State must use one fewer player each year until Michigan finally wins back-to-back games against the Buckeyes.
Other candidates quickly scrambled to issue press releases in hopes of saving the always coveted Michigan electoral votes. This move, while daring, is something I think all candidates can agree upon, said Hilary Clinton's campaign manager. We had considered making a similar promise, but without knowing how the NCAA and the fine people of Ohio would feel we were hesitant to make such a bold statement. Now that Mayor Giuliani has thrown his hat into the ring on the issue, we feel it is necessary to follow suit with our own plan. We are going to go one step further and require Ohio State to play without helmets - then maybe the Ohio State players will suffer some brain damage and the playing field will truly be leveled.
Senator Barack Obama's camp quickly issued a statement saying, While we respect Mayor Giuliani's decision to make such a promise, we have decided to refrain from making any quick decisions in response. We have known for quite some time that the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry would become a key issue in the upcoming election, but we are going to wait to see if Coach Lloyd Carr steps down or not. If he remains at Michigan, we feel an appropriate course of action would follow the general outline of Mayor Giuliani's plan. If he leaves Michigan, we may make a request, but not order, Jim Tressel to forego wearing the sweater vest in the games going forward - he clearly derives his coaching prowess from the vest.
Please continue to check CNN.com as we will be updating this story as we find out more.
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, What's your IQ? The man replies 150 and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and nanotechnology. The customer is very impressed and thinks, This is really cool. He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, What's your IQ? The man responds, about a 100. Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and such. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, What's your IQ?
The man replies, Er, 50, I think. And the robot says... real slow, So... is... Michigan..... gonna... have... a... good... team...this ... year???
Two Michigan cheerleaders were reading their daily newspaper when one of them noticed a headline that read: TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED She thought for a minute, and then whispered to her friend, Psssst... how many is a brazilian?
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, Officer, what's the hold up? The officer replies, Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State every year and says that the university has cut back on his recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign quality players.
We're taking up a collection for him. The stockbroker asks, How much have you got so far? The officer replies, About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan were driving down the same road towards each other. Right when they were about to pass each other they got into a horrific car accident. Luckily both men came out unscratched. The Ohio State fan looked at the other man and saw that he was wearing all Michigan clothes, and the Michigan fan also noticed that the other guy was wearing all Ohio State clothes. The Ohio State fan went up to the Michigan fan and said, Look, let's put our differences aside for one night and just thank God that we are still alive!
The Michigan fan says, Sure, I can do that... but for ONLY one night. So putting their differences aside they gave each other a huge hug. The Ohio State fan said, Wait a second, I have a bottle of liquor in my trunk. Hopefully it didn't bust. He looked in his trunk and to his surprise the bottle hadn't broken. He grabbed the bottle and passed it to the Michigan fan and said, Here, have a drink with me and celebrate still being alive! So the Michigan fan chugged half the bottle. He then tried passing it back to the Ohio State fan but he replied, No thanks, I'll wait for the cops to show up!
A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room. I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig, she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first.
The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door
Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice, the nurse asked No, I'm not, replied the Buckeye grad. But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid.
Two University of Michigan students are walking by a storefront and see a sign that reads:
Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair
One says to the other, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to the University, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay. Just let me do the talking. They go into the store and the UM fan says, I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck up and ..... The owner of the shop interrupts him, You're from the University of Michigan, aren't you? Well...yes, says the surprised UM fan. How did you know that? The owner says, This is a dry cleaners.
An Ohio State student, an Iowa student, and a Michigan student were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the Ohio State student top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the he was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?
The Ohio State student explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water. A little while later the rancher noticed the Iowa student walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher again. As before, the Iowa student explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Michigan student appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that car door? Well, he said, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window.
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time working girl in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU practice and asks Tressel, Coach, how is it that your team is so good? What's your secret? Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig Krenzel over and asks him, Craig, who's your fathers brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, Why coach, that's easy? it's me. Tressel turns to Carr and says, See, that's the secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a smart quarterback!
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly calls over John Navarre. Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's brother's nephew? John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, Coach, I'll have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr, disgusted, says okay. During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. Hey, Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? Who's your father's brother's nephew? Perry answers, Duh? That's pretty simple? It's me!
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, Hey, Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's brother's nephew is Chris Perry! Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, No, No, No! You idiot! It's Craig Krenzel!
An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes for them to use. The first passenger said, Well, I'm Jo Paterno. I have more wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team needs me, I can't afford to die. So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Lloyd Carr, said I too can not afford to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever coach in the country. With that, he grabbed the second parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Jim Tressel, says to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old school boy Son, I have lived a full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. The boy said, It's OK Mr. Tressel, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my school backpack.
An Ohio State student and a Michigan student are walking down the road when the Ohio State student says, How sad...A dead bird. The Michigan student looks up and says, Where, where?
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman. The next little boy says: I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic. Then one little boy says: My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so.
A teacher in a Michigan elementary school asks her class what they see themselves as. She says I'm a WOLVERINE!!! Who else is a wolverine? Wanting to be like their teacher, all of the children raise their hands, except one. The teacher asks her why she feels the need to be different. I'm not a Wolverine, I'm a Buckeye, the girl says, to which the teacher responds Why?
The girl says, Because my mother was a Buckeye, and my father was a Buckeye! The teacher asks, Well what if your mother was a Wolverine and your father was a Wolverine? Would you be a wolverine then? The girl says, No, then I'd be a moron who can't graduate and flips burgers.
Help Wanted:
Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Mich. Earn free tuition, room and board and complete and utter seclusion from the media. Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through two uprights. No references necessary.
An Ohio State fan walks into a pawn shop. He states that he is looking for an item for his game room, when he spots a stuffed squirrel on the wall. How much for that stuffed squirrel Mr.? It's not for sale. It is bad luck, and its too long a story to tell you about states the man behind the counter. I'll give you $100 for the squirrel. Ok, but I warned you. So the Buckeye fan throws the squirrel in his pick up and drives down the road.
As he drives he notices there are 100 squirrels following him. A mile up the road he notices there are 1000 squirrels following him Again, another mile up the road he sees 1,000,000 squirrels following him. This is just way to bizarre for the man, so he stops at the next bridge, gets out and throws the stuffed squirrel into the river. All 1,000,000 squirrels jump into the river after it and all drown.
The Ohio State fan goes back to the pawn shop .The man behind the counter says I told you that squirrel is bad luck, you come to get your money back? No, replies the Buckeye. How much you want for that Lloyd Carr Doll
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said, It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping. The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back. But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said, You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes! Thanks, your most Royal highness, the Buckeye fan replies. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes. Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave, the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be? the Sheik asks. Tie the Michigan fan to my back.
Duck Hunters in Michigan - True Story. While this isn't really a joke (and who really cares if it's actually true or not), it's a great slam on Michigan intelligence. A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this I can't believe this happened look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!! And you thought your day was not going well?
Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me.
I didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
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The Move
Aug. 12 |
Moved to our new home in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It is so beautiful here. The country is so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering the fields. |
Oct. 14 |
Ann Arbor is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on the earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. |
Nov. 11 |
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon! I love it here! |
Dec. 2 |
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Michigan! |
Dec. 12 |
More snow last night! The snowplow did this trick again to the driveway. I love it here!! |
Dec. 19 |
More snow last night! Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling snow. Stupid snowplow!! |
Dec. 22 |
More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling my driveway. Bastard!! |
Dec. 25 |
Merry Friggin Christmas. More damn snow! If I ever get my hands on the son of a bitch who drives the snowplow I swear I will kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice. |
Dec. 27 |
More white shit last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after the snowplow goes through. Can’t go anywhere. Cars stuck in a mountain of white crap! The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of this crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is???? |
Dec. 28 |
The stupid weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white crap this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed back into my driveway. I broke the last one over his head. |
Jan. 4 |
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store and got food and on the way back a deer ran in front of the car and hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. |
May 3 |
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all the damn salt they put all over the roads? |
May 10 |
Moved to Florida!! I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in the God-forsaken state of Michigan!! |
A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the wolverine fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the wolverine fight song one last time. OK, says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, What is your last request? Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, Shoot me first.
Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his brother, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.
The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news. He walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, I want you to send him the word, 'comfortable.' The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'? The Ohio State grad explains, My brother graduated from Michigan. He'll read it very slow.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, Where have you been? God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look Michael, look what I've made. Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it? It's a planet, replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth, and it is going to be a great place of balance. Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth. For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there is going to be a hot spot. God continued, pointing to different lands, This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a unique landmass and asked, What's that one?
Ah, said God, That's Ohio, the most glorious place on earth. It will have beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and fertile farmland. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving. I'm also going to give them an incredible football team that will be admired and feared by all who come across it. Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, What about the balance, God. You said that there will be balance!
God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loudmouth, arrogant bastards I'm putting north of them.
You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining. Who do you shoot? The Michigan fan... twice.
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Ohio State fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Penn State fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Michigan fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.
First, he lifted up the Ohio State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Penn State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Michigan cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Michigan fan was getting upset and finally asked, What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking? Well, said the officer. I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Michigan hat, I find an asshole!
In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean.
The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, I graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be environmentally conscious. The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, I graduated from Ohio State University... and they taught us not to pee on our hands.
Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former players have been granted parole before the end of their sentences.
Gary Moeller was in front of a judge. The judge says, You've been brought here for drinking.” Moeller says, Okay, let's get started.”
One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it. Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of? The Michigan grad says From the picture on the box, it's a tiger. The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
After Bo Schembechler dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two-bedroom house with a faded Michigan Wolverines banner hanging from the front porch. This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here, God says. Bo looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It is a huge three-story brick mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. OSU Buckeyes flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Go Bucks banner hangs between the marble columns while the OSU fight song blares from hidden speakers.
Thank you for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new Ohio State Buckeyes banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that? God looks at him seriously for a moment. That's not Woody's house, God says. That's mine.
Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat, beside him. Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in the window seat, said, I think I'll get up and get a coke. No problem, said the Buckeye, I'll get it for you. While he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and spit in it. When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine said, That looks good; I think I'll have one too.
Again, the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. How long must this go on? the Buckeye asked. This enmity between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are traveling by train to a game. At the station, the three Michigan fans each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy only a single ticket. How are three people to travel on only one ticket? asks one of the Michigan fans. Watch and you'll see, answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio State fans don't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed Michigan fan. Watch and you'll see. When they board the train, the three Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.
A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Pete. St. Pete welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The guy is amazed at what is in heaven. The last place St. Pete takes the guy is to this football game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the sideline ranting and raving. The man looks at St. Pete and asks, Who is that madman? St. Pete answers, Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody Hayes.
YOU CAN TELL HE IS A UM GRAD BECAUSE...
- he told me to meet him at the corner of WALK and DON'T WALK
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under education on his job application, he put Hooked On Phonics
- at the bottom of the application where it says sign here.. he put Sagittarius
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test - and failed
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left he turned around and went home.
A former UM football player was having a hard time graduating from college after his glory years as a star defensive end.
After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were becoming embarrassed. How can we get him out of here?, they asked. Finally, one professor came up with an idea. Let's put him in front of the student body and let them ask him one question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma.
So they put the UM student in front of the entire student body. The student body opted to ask him the question: What is one plus one? He received his question and he thought...and thought...and finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted Two!!. AWWWWWW, cried the student body. Give him another chance!
Jim Tressel stopped by Lloyd Carr's office in Ann Arbor one day for some friendly football conversation. As the two were talking, he noticed a blue telephone locked in a glass case behind Carr's desk. Tressel asked Lloyd, what's that blue phone you got there? That's my hotline to God. Carr responded with big Michigan grin. Mind if I give Him a call? Tressel asked as if impressed. Carr said Go ahead, but don't use it long. The long distance charges are outrageous from here to Heaven. Tressel proceeded to call God, afterward thanked Carr for the use of the phone, and then returned to Columbus.
Tressel is in his office one day and Carr drops in to talk some pigskin. As Carr walks in the door, he notices a red phone sitting on a silver platter right out in the open. Carr asks Jim, what's that red phone on the platter? That's my line to God. Jim responds with a smile. Carr, looking a little disappointed asks You mind? Tressel says No. Talk all you want. Everybody talks to God around here. How can you afford that? asks Carr looking perplexed. Tressel says with a chuckle Ohio is God's country! It's not long distance from here!
Michigan Entrance Exam - Football Player Version
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting